Dale Earnhardt might have been the best to ever race a stock car.
He won seven NASCAR championships and every race that ever re-aired on ESPN Classic. A feature in an EA Sports game was named in his honor, and his number 3 became so revered that some punk rookie no one liked wasn’t allowed to drive it (2001) until some other punk rookie no one liked was (2014).
Anyone who watched Earnhardt race knew there was something special about him. He had something no one else had.
Or so it seemed.
You see, Earnhardt’s advantage wasn’t something extra. It was something he didn’t have at all: a foreskin.
Dale Earnhardt was circumcised.
I don’t want to post pictures of a penis on my wholesome blog, but I can assure you that I’ve seen the autopsy report (and you can, too, if you buy the Officially Licensed Dale Earnhardt Commemorative Medical Records).
An autopsy report is real science—unlike some lore about “seeing the air.” Authoritatively, Earnhardt’s documents four unique conditions at the time of his passing: a skull fracture, a mustache, gallstones, and circumcision.
The first three weren’t present for all of Earnhardt’s career, yet Earnhardt was always a very good driver.
The fourth was.
“Fine,” you might be thinking. “But how would that help?”
It’s pretty simple, actually. Race car drivers pee when driving. Watch any non-motorsports show a racer has ever appeared on if you don’t believe me.
You can imagine that a foreskin would be problematic for in-race urination. If you pull it back, your hands are off the wheel, and now you’re in the wall. If you don’t pull it back, well, Yahoo! Answers says that’s pretty disgusting.
Good luck attracting sponsors with poor urinary hygiene.
The facts are that you can’t race fiddling with your foreskin, and you can’t race without sponsors.
Dale Earnhardt never had to worry. Dale Earnhardt was circumcised. He pissed as he pleased, and he pleased us as he pissed—passing cars, side-drafting, a little chrome horn action, all sorts of entertaining maneuvers his competitors could not pull off with a hand or two down the fireproof overalls.
He might’ve been the best to ever wheel a stock car.
Thanks to science, we now know why.